What up, Causeway?

It's 5:30 on Friday and going home would be awesome right now. Except for this:
Look at all those awesome green roads that aren't standing between me and a home brew. Damn.

"Double-edged Sword"

This has always bugged me. Aren't most swords double edged? More to the point, does it really matter unless we're planning on holding it by the pointy end for some reason? I think what we actually mean is handle-less sword, which to be fair sounds dumb. Of course we could always say "yeah but Paula Abdul's music is really a klingon sword-thing with many edges and dubious handles." Yes, I vote for that.

The latest craze

So you know how once upon a time you could tell somebody was a little nutty if they walked around talking to themselves? Then the bluetooth headset happened and cell-phone users started to own this little bit of oddity, to the point where everybody just assumes that people having a lively conversation with nobody else around is just a bit of a yuppy. OK, I think we're all accustomed to this. What still gets me is when people yapping at themselves (or presumably to a small microphone somewhere) are using emphatic hand signals. Whether they don't actually have a phone and are gesturing at an invisible man, or do have a phone and are...still gesturing at an invisible man. Either way I'm classifying it as some sort of clueless.

Enter the iphone 4 and the forward facing camera. How long until this becomes normal? At least for now you have to actually hold your arm out and have the phone in front of you, but it's only a matter of time before that goes away. Progress, yo

just write some stuff, we'll take care of it in post

Stupid lyrics aren't new to pop music, but I think we have a new champion, and it's been difficult to escape hearing it. If you can look past that I'm evidently listening to top40 radio, please set your jaw and digest this masterpiece. The chorus is particularly poignant, and rhymes to boot, provided you count rhyming "ooh" with "oohooooohooh."

Now, if we can somehow get Katy Perry and Ke$ha to battle to the death, we will be relieved of at least one of these blights, and we can autotune the death rattle. They would have wanted it that way.
------

[Stupid Verse 1]
I know a place
Where the grass is really greener
Warm, wet and wild
There must be somethin' in the water
Sippin' gin and juice
Layin' underneath the palm trees (Undone)
The boys
Break their necks
Try'na creep a little sneak peek (At us)

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close
To the Golden Coast
Once you party with us
You'll be falling in love
Oooooh oh oooooh

[Stupid Chorus]
California girls
We're unforgettable
Daisy Dukes
Bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin
So hot
We'll melt your Popsicle
Oooooh oh oooooh

California girls
We're undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce
We got it on lock
Westcoast represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh

Ironying

At the ripe old age of 28, there are still several life skills I haven't mastered, among them tying a tie, driving stick, and ironing a shirt in under 3o minutes. All of these deficiencies owe directly to a lack of necessity to practice. I've learned to tie a tie and drive stick several times each now, but I don't really ever have occasion to do either, so in a few months it gets tossed when I defrag my brain.

I'm fortunate enough to have a job that doesn't require me to wear a tie or nice clothes or even much beyond shorts, a shirt, and sometimes closed-toe shoes. This is nice, to put it plainly. There are a few downsides though. One is that I wear through my gym socks a lot faster through daily use. The other is that when it comes time to iron something, I'm useless.


Holy guacamole I hate ironing. Specifically, I hate ironing boards. They tip, they don't fit anywhere, they have that stupid string hanging off the end that gets in the way of everything, and I can never find an edge in the shape that I actually need. What do the professionals use, maybe I need one of those. No, strike that - what do other incompetent men-children looking to buy gadgets to relieve them of tedious tasks use? I need one of those. Seriously though, why aren't ironing boards 5-sided with shapes to fit each part of the shirt? Somebody hurry up and invent me a swiss army board, or I'll be forced to do it myself. No. I will invent a steam suit, put it on, put my to-be-ironed clothes on over it, activate the steam, remove both suits, don the freshly ironed suit (fitted to my very dimensions, plus the thickness of the steam suit) and do the hokey pokey. I can't believe you're still reading this

One of those days

Today was one of those days that started out fine, but by around 10pm I was ready to club somebody to death with their own stupid fucking no good dismembered leg. However, I was also hungry. So, Safeway trip first, then limb-tearing and severe beating.

It was at this point that I discovered something: It's impossible to stay pissed off about your day while browsing through the produce aisle. You can only go around muttering "goddam baby carrots, what the fuck did you ever do for anybody? And you, arugula, what are you looking at? That's what I thought" for about 20 seconds before some sort of absurdity switch flips and you end up quietly picking out 4 ripe looking fuji's and a hand of bananas and moving on.

However, screw onions still. blegh

Trickery: picking on CL

http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bik/1637023952.html

Provided that you broke your leg doing the Macarena in 1996, this is probably a true statement.

brand new novara that was originally purchased for 600 dollars before i broke my leg. So its gatta go, and please serious callers only.(916)583-****

Not helping

What total bastard decided to print the directions for how many excedrin migraine to take in 1 point font? The whole bottle should be a picture of 2 pills and then a pillow. Possibly raised lettering, if my eyes have quit completely. It should also be packaged with earplugs and those disposable sunglasses they give you at the optometrist.

Costume Ideas

OK, so I already have my costume picked out for the year, but maybe you don't. I offer you these suggestions, some of which I'm kicking myself for not thinking of earlier.

1. Dress up in a cardboard box. When you walk into the party, release a balloon somewhere and ignore it for the rest of the evening. When people ask what you are: Balloon boy!

2. Dress as a possibly-pregnant-but can't-really-tell woman. like, extra 2 layers right above the belt. Have fun watching people puzzle over whether to ask or not.

more TBD as I think of them. suggestions welcome.

What happened?

It's been 2 months since I posted, and 3 since I really actually posted. Here's sort of why.

As the more eagle-eyed among you might have noticed, I spend a lot of time picking on other people's bike choices. Like, a lot of time. Too much time, even. It was starting to progress from good natured observation of goofy shit toward being immediately critical of anything set up differently than how I would've done it. No idea why, but no good.

So, as shock therapy to myself, I decided to build a bike that made very little practical sense. I came across a nice aluminum/carbon road frame on ebay, bought a singlespeed kit and some bars for it, and built it up with things I had lying around. Behold: The fastest cruiser on the 2300 block!

It was good times, but short lived. Those who haven't managed to glaze over by now may notice that one of the crank arms, uh, fell off. That was a problem. Too bad really, because if it had lived the next step was to add some clip on TT bars. The bike is currently being stripped to make way for something else, but tolerance regained. Or, if stupid people start pissing me off again, I have a cheap crank-arm to huck at them.

Stuck in the Loop - Reruns!

It's time for another posting, although that's never really consistently meant that another posting was forthcoming. However, my phone is broken and I lost my camera so I have no way to relieve the tedium of my musings with pretty pictures of mildly stupid decisions. So instead I link again to my earlier postings on how to navigate traffic circles and other intersections, which to my dismay remain overly topical and under-utilized. Dang.

Hemmet?

Bike helmets are supposed to save your dome in the event of a crash. They give you a crush layer to lessen the sharp impact to your dome when everything goes fruit-shaped and you don't have time to sort out which way is up on your way down. Ask around and you'll soon find somebody who owes their present walking, talking status to their brain bucket. I'm for helmets. Ok enough positive preaching, now on to the hellfire and brimstone...

On the other hand, they're a bit of a hassle. You have to remember to have it with you, it's one more thing to manage when you get off the bike, they restrict air flow on a warm day, they mess up your ironic perm on the way to the show, and most of all they screw up your whole cool thing you got going on there. So yea, there are some downsides to helmets. I can see why maybe you don't want to wear one. Fine. I'm not your mother, and unless you happen to be one of the people I'm willing to nag about helmets because it would be a real drag to hang out with you as a vegetable, do what you want. Random internet people: This means you!

Doing what you want, however, should not include making up bullshit misinformation because you don't want to admit you don't wear a helmet for vanity reasons or whatever they may be. Instead we're getting things like this - people citing a one-man study claiming that motorists might give you more space if you don't wear a helmet.

You know that kid in elementary school that insisted that seatbelts were a stupid idea because without one you could be thrown free of the wreckage and land in a grassy field, presumably one populated by magical fairies distributing lollipops to lucky-ass car crash survivors? The helmet excuse guys are that kid. Same shit, post-puberty. What happened here was somebody decided first that they wanted (or didn't want) to do something, then went looking for ways to justify it. When the revolution comes, science will crush you.
If you don't want to wear one just say you don't want to wear one. Don't fill the internet with bullshit reasons and bad logic. Believe me, I can recognize that mess a mile away, I have a blog.

amoosing

Heeheehee!

It's funny. You don't know anything.

Energy Bill

The energy bill is out there floating around, attempting to institute cap and trade on the ability to emit the bad stuff and require higher efficiency and more renewable energy sources. From what I hear the big argument against it is that industry and energy companies will shift the costs on to the consumer. I'm no political kingpin, but....fucking duh? Did this surprise people? I feel like fools are just being combative because they feel they have to oppose something. Next stop, Limp Bizkit fandom.

It has to be paid for somehow. Doesn't it make the most sense to put a price on emissions and let the market do what the market does to work out what still makes sense? Pollute more, pay for it. Suddenly the cheapest way to do things becomes not the cheapest way to do things. Bam, cheap dirty industry is priced out by cleaner industry that was once more expensive. And fittingly, those end users who use the most power or those who use dirty energy will be the ones to pay more for it. Yes, it will cost more than it does currently, but y'all sure as heck weren't going to approve something bankrolled entirely by Uncle Sam, were you?

de-train

From time to time I labor under the idea that people from far away locales are reading this. I don't labor very hard, to be sure, which is just as well since I'm fairly certain my 3 readers (down 40%!) are all locals. Anyhow, its worth saying that our rail system in Northern California and the Bay area is fairly linear. Multi-linear, perhaps, but certainly falling well short of being a web or a network. If the New York area rail system resembles a box of uncooked noodles poured out on the counter, the Bay's rail is the crayola 12-crayon box lying in a heap. Odds are you can find something heading from vaguely your direction to vaguely the place you want to be, but unfortunately the difference between 'vague' and where you're actually going seems to be a minimum of 4 miles.

We do, on the other hand, have a growing traffic problem. San Francisco isn't NYC, but I've had the pleasure of commuting through the bay before and I don't know what to call it aside from a phrase involving a cluster. For both infrastructure logistics and green reasons, the train starts to look like an attractive alternative.

Here's what we expect the train to be: It should be a little slower than a fast car ride in no traffic, since it keeps stopping, but should be consistent, without worry of a traffic jam. You should be able to relax while you're riding the train, since you don't have to worry about steering the thing. And, of course, it should at least link up with something that can get you where you need to be.

The grossest failing of the train is it's lack of consistency. It weighs 500 tons, rides on a set of rails, and has a published schedule, and yet is still somehow subject to traffic. Amtrak, it seems, is not only burdened with the usual set of mechanical issues but also takes a back seat to freight traffic and track work on a routine basis. Some sort of delay occurs every second day or so, and several times a month the delays stretch into the hours, sometimes to the point of asking the passengers to switch to another train. And at that point the comfort of riding the train becomes the hope that you can make it 80 miles in under 3 hours, and that you won't be stuck standing on the platform for too long at 11pm waiting for the delayed replacement train.

West coast rail is nowhere near the East in scope, and it doesn't make sense to expand it unless more people are going to ride. The way things are looking though, I'll be keeping it out of my own plans.

6/29 Edit: Numbers are in, train ridership is down 13% this year. Bam. They responded by raising ticket prices. Bam?

Leverage

So if you are reading this odds are you know me, and if you know me you know I have a bit of a germ thing. It's not debilitating, it's just a thing. It has largely to do with people being gross. Not you necessarily, but people. I've seen them digging for green gold on the freeway, and don't even get me started on the bathroom etiquette in my building. Anyhow..

To open a door you should push (or pull) on the side opposite the hinges. This provides you the greatest leverage so that the least amount of force is required at any point, although you have to push over a greater distance. Who cares, you were walking through the door anyway. From a bioergonomic point of view (yeah I made up that word) you should push probably between shoulder and hip height, otherwise you'll be using all sorts of weird muscles just to be stable and not pushing like you otherwise could. So basically, push where the handle or brass plate is.

Now if you have this thing about doorknobs that get so used that they're actually worn out, you do what you can to avoid the greasiest parts of the door. This usually results in me picking a spot about 6 feet in the air right in the center of the door. It may not be completely unused, and I'm pushing twice as hard as I need to, but it makes me feel better or something. I haven't swapped hand crud with the entire building, just maybe one or two people.

But wait! One or two people indeed. There are often some handprints in random stupid places on the door, like my 6ft center spot. Who else is doing this? Is it other germy fearin' folks who happened to pick the same random spot, or am I being contaminated by....morons? And it's back to the decision board.

Swiss Made

We ordered up some new equipment the other day and it turns out it’s Swiss Made. You can tell because it says it right on the front. Despite what the underdeveloped logical part of my mind is saying, this knowledge really goes a long way to assuring me that what I’m holding here is a quality product made with great care and precision. Why? There are plenty of fine Swiss watchmaking companies, to be sure, but there is no reason to believe that the companies who craft these famous watches have anything at all to do with my swiss made lab instruments. Ferrarri and Lamborghini are both Italian brands, but that doesn't mean that Fiat is built to the same standard. So why so much faith in the Swiss attention to detail? Because for some reason I can’t explain I am certain that Switzerland is populated mostly by people who could be described as an elderly Hans Christian Anderson/Geppetto fellow with thin rimmed glasses and a jewelers loup working diligently in a shop filled with pocket watches and springs. I think this exposes me as both an ignoramus and a racist or xenophobe (an inaccurate one at that – HC Anderson and Geppetto were Danish and Italian, respectively) at the same time. But hey, at least I can pick out the Swiss from the Swedes…with these new Swiss Made forceps we just got in.

Didn't get that memo eh?

Here we are, year 2009 a mere 3 years shy of the predicted apocalypse and living in the age of information. Somehow, between email, google, wikipedia, spellcheck, and other lightning fast info sources, we still have people living in caves. Undisciplined, yes-men filled caves.

Think back to the last time you went to the airport. Guaranteed that somebody in line tried to bring an economy sized bottle of shampoo and 8 gatorades through the security point, and was completely flabbergasted when they were told by the dude in the homeland security getup that it was not allowed. Regardless of how absurd you think the rules are, they've been the rules for years now. It's right up there with no smoking on the plane. Google it. Ask somebody. Turn on the news. something.

In 2006 the FCC announced plans to terminate analog television broadcast in 2009, meaning that people with old TV's still relying on rabbit-ears to get their signal would have to get a digital converter box, which is free with a government subsidized program. Easiest thing in the world to target this audience - just play the above information once in a while on the six and a half channels that you still get on broadcast. Bam, done. And yet somehow, 3 years wasn't enough time for people to call the hotline and do something about it, and now 5.8 million unprepared households want an extension. And here I was assuming it was old people, but from the sound of things it includes a fair number of slacker college kids.

Then you have your suspiciously plentiful pile of sub-average internet users who insist on typing everything in all caps. This is the most painfully confusing demographic I've ever discovered, and I suspect that it was created by a government think tank to hurt my head. One would assume that a member of the 'internet' who is well informed enough to use a 'computer' and construct a craigslist/ebay/forum post would get a clue about the all caps thing. One would be wrong, and go to bed early dreaming of variations on the Geico cavemen commercial.

Not My Problem

The following is a list of things that are piled up outside the stairway to my office building. None of them are mine.

-Two 40 gallon drums of 95% and 100% Ethylene. It ranks just south of "hella flammable" on the burn-o-meter.
-An ever changing tidal line of leakage from said drums.
-Approximately 50 cigarette butts.
-Some leaves.
-A 1950's era refrigerator door.
-A plastic tampon applicator device thingy.
-A pile of inside out (presumably used) latex gloves.

why would you ever do this?

If you were to ask me, the man on the blog street, what I love to hate most, you might surmise from pretty much any of these posts that it's stupidity. And, while that does get my undies in quite an untidy bunch, general stupidity is usually pretty aimless. The rub is that it's so damn general. Anyhow, there are worse offenses: aggressive stupidity, such as trying to run me over with your pickup truck while a-hootin and a-hollerin, and professional stupidity, where you're just being plain negligent at the thing you supposedly do well.

For today's example we turn yet again to the traffic circle. They're all the rage these days, everybody who's anybody is installing them. A quick hint though: If you build a bike specific traffic circle, and make it a really small radius one for whatever reason, it'd probably be best not to put super slippery metal utility covers right in the middle of the path.