Ironying

At the ripe old age of 28, there are still several life skills I haven't mastered, among them tying a tie, driving stick, and ironing a shirt in under 3o minutes. All of these deficiencies owe directly to a lack of necessity to practice. I've learned to tie a tie and drive stick several times each now, but I don't really ever have occasion to do either, so in a few months it gets tossed when I defrag my brain.

I'm fortunate enough to have a job that doesn't require me to wear a tie or nice clothes or even much beyond shorts, a shirt, and sometimes closed-toe shoes. This is nice, to put it plainly. There are a few downsides though. One is that I wear through my gym socks a lot faster through daily use. The other is that when it comes time to iron something, I'm useless.


Holy guacamole I hate ironing. Specifically, I hate ironing boards. They tip, they don't fit anywhere, they have that stupid string hanging off the end that gets in the way of everything, and I can never find an edge in the shape that I actually need. What do the professionals use, maybe I need one of those. No, strike that - what do other incompetent men-children looking to buy gadgets to relieve them of tedious tasks use? I need one of those. Seriously though, why aren't ironing boards 5-sided with shapes to fit each part of the shirt? Somebody hurry up and invent me a swiss army board, or I'll be forced to do it myself. No. I will invent a steam suit, put it on, put my to-be-ironed clothes on over it, activate the steam, remove both suits, don the freshly ironed suit (fitted to my very dimensions, plus the thickness of the steam suit) and do the hokey pokey. I can't believe you're still reading this