Bikewatching Guide - Saddles

While observing bikes, keep an eye out for seat/saddle choices. The saddle is a very intimate decision, as it ends up shoved firmly into your junk, and saddle decisions can tell you a great deal about the rider.



The Freebie
Made of plastic. You plant your butt on it and move your legs around. What?



The Vintage
Primarily leather and springs, vintage saddle users are a mix of those who are willing to break in a stiff leather surface to fit their butts and those who can't be bothered to upgrade the heap that their bike came with.



The Minimalist
I've taken to sewing a chamois into all my pants for comfort on and off the bike.



The Sofa
Elephantiasis of the saddle is a serious affliction wherein the seat dwarfs the vehicle. Distant cousin of the seagoing barge.



The Hackeroo
Somewhere between innovative and a duct-tape-residue-on-your-ass-all-the-time-could-be-difficult-to-bail-out bad idea.



The Eunuch
Seriously, go buy a new seat.



The Banana
Science has so far only identified 'nostalgia' as a good reason to have one of these.



The Tractor Seat
A mere backrest away from being a lounge chair. Often seen as a fine idea until one realizes that bicycling involves use of the legs.



The Probe
Careful how you sit down on this one.



The Reverse Butt
What could be more comfortable than sitting on a mirror image of your butt?



The Sponge
Not much of a seat but great for absorbing rain, bird poo, and personal accidents.



The Neglected Bike
'Neath all that poo it's weeping quietly. I'm laughing outwardly, so I figure it's a wash.



The Cover
Often seen in cases of rain or sponge. 99.5% Effective as a form of birth control.



The Critter
Richard Gere joke!



The Entrepreneur Special
Somebody paid money for this.



The Backwards Idiot Seat
Hey guys check it out! Bikes have been developing for 150 years, but look at what an innovator I am! Hurr hurr hurr. These seats hold the distinction of being both very rare and waay too common. While I've never actually seen anybody actually riding one, the only way I can figure it works is as abdominal support while supermanning the whip:


*Also acceptable in cases of backwards ass.



The Not-so-subtle Gel Padding Placement
Because you obviously decided you needed a soft spot just there, and are going to make sure everybody knows it. You also make obnoxious comments in movie theaters and have something printed on the butt of your pants.



The X-rated
Will support your undercarriage to feed its coke addiction



The Complete Lack of Seat
At least has the decency to plug up the hole in the bike.

PSA: Traffic Circles, Revisited

A while back I published the rules to bicycle traffic circles. I'm sure somebody else has published them too, like maybe DMV or the California Penal Code, but I figured as a public service I would bring the guidelines to my own enormous readership. It seems, however, that my instructions may have been a bit vague, and people keep nearly running over me from unexpected directions. Therefore, I offer the following, more specific advice:

If you are hellbent on demonstrating your free spirit through the use of some sort of non-bike transportation (razor scooter, skateboard, lawn mower, golf cart, bizarre snakeboard thing, UPS truck...) you are actually not exempt from the rules that govern bikes. Maybe technically you are, I haven't looked it up, but going backwards through the circle will still result in a pileup and subsequent beatdown at the hands of angry kickstand-having mofos. In fact, you should probably be more inclined to obey, since of the forms of transportation listed only the razor scooter and golf cart are known to have brakes. I make no apologies to the UPS truck here.

The pack attitude has its advantages, namely safety around predators and aerodynamics. Neither would hopefully apply on the way to grab a tofurkey burger after class. In this context, packs tend to result in congestion and domino crashes. They do, however, allow for excellent networking before the crash and something to talk about later.

Pedestrians: You can almost do whatever the hell you please. I'm going to step down to a slightly lower soapbox and give you some reign here. All I ask is that when you're walking through a busy intersection, you at least act like you're in a busy intersection. I know that you think it looks mega chic to ignore your surroundings, but it's gonna bang up your cool real bad when I deliver you this flying head-butt I've been working on.

More bikes!

I almost got smished in the road yet again today by a dude in a minivan. It always seems to be minivans and SUVs piloted by the oblivious and the super-aggressive. I'm becoming much more liberal with the finger these days. For everyone's betterment, I hereby impart the following knowledge: If there are 3 lanes going the same way and no bike lane, the right lane is mine as much as yours. It is not, however, both mine and yours at the same time as you try to wedge by me and either risk running me over or running me into the line of parked cars. If you're only going 2mph faster than me, would it kill you to change lanes if you're hell bent on passing? If you risk running me down because you're too lazy to check over your shoulder, I'm eventually going to catch up with you at a light and do something awful. Nya-nya-nya.

The gods of craigslist smiled upon me today and I snagged an old school Schwinn road bike for $40. Actually I grabbed 2 bikes at once, bringing my count up to...too many. One for riding, one for riding fixed, one for leaving at work, one for the rain/locking up around town and not worrying about. I also still have my first bike that came with training wheels and red and white padded checkered things. We're going to need more real estate soon to house this farm.

Ya gotta accessorize! Buying a good $30 set of lights and a $25 lock makes sense for $400 bike. In fact, they're pretty much mandatory if you're going to be riding at night and leaving the bike anywhere with the expectation of coming back to it. On the other hand, those little things more than double the cost of a beater. Its still relatively cheap, but its the most sting I've felt from a small purchase since I bought that free-range scorpion farm. Too much?

Then there's the tires. The tires are just about as old as me, but tire years must be akin to dog years because at the ripe old age of 25 the tires are disintegrating and covered in cracks, whereas I still have yet to lose any parts and am equipped with just the one crackola. badum-ching! Bad crack jokes aside, blowouts are bad news, and new tubes and tires need to happen soon. Damn you, obscure 27" x 1 1/8 sizing!

The second bike purchase today was totally on impulse, since it wasn't actually advertised. While checking out the schwinn I spotted a blue Nishiki Riviera leaning against the wall and grabbed it too. Total shit show. The frame is in great shape though, albeit maybe a size too small for me. If all else fails I can steal the cranks and put them on my fixed, if I can figure out how to get the stripped ones off. grr